I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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