I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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