Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
