I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
