we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
