I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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