Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
