My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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