I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
