Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
