Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
this is an emotional support booty call
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
