My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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