I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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