Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
