dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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