apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
