If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Boobs speak an international language.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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