His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
