At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
