Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
