The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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