could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
