At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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