just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
