i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
