then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize