What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
