Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
