My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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