I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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