he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
