i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize