Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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