I'm gonna have a badass scar
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
