I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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