mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
