What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
