His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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