Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
