my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize