friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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