You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize