did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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