Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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