Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
