dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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