There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
