My underwear smells like fireworks.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
