Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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