I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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