so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
