He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You can't special order awesome
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
