i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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