Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
