john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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