after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
