I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
