i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
