respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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