hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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