My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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