Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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