Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
