He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
