true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize