I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
