Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
