ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
